The Incredible Exploding Holiday

Australia has a history of catastrophic imports. One of our most famous was the decision in the 1930s to bring cane toads in to control pests that were damaging sugar crops. It's debatable whether they did that effectively, but there is no question that they were extremely effective when it came to breeding. Having few natural enemies here, these poisonous creatures now number about 200 million, and experts are desperately working to figure out how to stop their spread from Queensland into other states.

So what does this have to do with our attempt to bring our American Thanksgiving to Australia when we moved here? Hang on - you'll see.

Part 4 - A Very Australian Thanksgiving

Linda, Jason and I had been in Oz about four weeks when Thanksgiving rolled around. We were in a furnished apartment while we looked for a house, and we all felt a bit homesick and out of place in this new land. A Thanksgiving dinner seemed like the perfect remedy to the blues.

This would be Linda's first real encounter with Oz shopping as it existed then. Coming from the land of 24-hour grocery stores stocked with just about anything you could think of, she wandered into the local Woolies to discover that A) turkeys in Australia were about the size of large pigeons and B) even at that size they still take several hours to cook. Which posed a problem since we couldn't start cooking until early evening when we got out of work.

There actually was a C, as well. For it was that night when we discovered that Coopers Ale was a lot stronger than the beer we were used to in the US. While it undoubtedly helped to allay the blues for Linda and me, Jason was still too young to join in.

Probably because of that fact, Jay's memory of the night differs from Linda's. (I have no memory of the night myself.) Linda remembers the Thanksgiving dinner being very late. Jason also remembers dinner being late, but he insists it consisted of salami and cheese because the turkey wasn't going to be done until sometime around sunrise. Poor Jay - the move here was a difficult transition for a 14-year-old.

Anyhow, we decided to do better the next year. By then we were in our first house in Oz, and we had become friends with several other expat Yanks at work. As November rolled around, we all started remembering the great feasts of other Thanksgivings, so we invited them and a few Aussie friends to come to our place for the holiday. We would make the turkey and basics, and the cost of admission was to bring the dish that you most loved from your family's Thanksgivings.

It was obvious that a few of our friends had come from homes with a serious lack of understanding about nutrition, but nonetheless the day was a great success, So much so, in fact, that more friends started wrangling for a seat at the table next year.

No worries, mate! The more the merrier. We were up to two tables the next year, and I recall Linda having to make a turkey the night before in order to make a second on the day. Well, like cane toads, this thing just kept multiplying until it was pretty much out of control.

By our fourth Thanksgiving here, we were feeding more than 40 people. We were renting trestle tables, plates and cutlery, buying wine and beer by the pallet and figuring out pretty quickly that a four-burner stove and oven were put to the test to feed that many people.

One of our Australian friends volunteered to do another turkey for us and bring it, and we accepted gratefully. Our local friend had never cooked a turkey, however, and she didn't know that you were supposed to remove the plastic bag of giblets and other bits that is stuffed inside the cavity. The plastic had melted, and I always wondered if the bird had picked up an odd taste. No one complained, but then again, I only served that turkey to the people I didn't like that much.

The first time Linda or I gave thanks that day was when that dinner was over and everything cleaned up. We realized that we had imported a holiday with no natural enemies, and it was growing rampant threatening to destroy everything in its path.

So we did the only thing we could. We moved to a new house that was too small to hold a feast.

And now over many, many years, we have learned to be wistful as we miss Thanksgiving in America and happy we are missing it in Oz. This year on Thursday, I had lunch at a Thai restaurant with Jason and Lora. That night Linda and I had chili con carne and Matt came in a little later. It may not have been the traditional celebration, but it was nice just having time with the kids and not having to remember the names of 40 people, half of whom I had never met before.

A Feast and Sore Eyes

Part 3 - Thanksgiving Today

Most of the world knows about the feast that happens on America's Thanksgiving Day. At the center of this orgy of food is a typically huge turkey bearing only the faintest of resemblances to those found gobbling free in the forests. I don't know how they get these turkeys so big, but I am pretty sure that if one were to win an event in the Olympics it would have to return the medal.

But a single bird, no matter how big, does not a feast make. So the typical American Thanksgiving Day meal also includes approximately 20 side dishes. By law, at least 80% of them must contain either sugar, starch or cream and no more than four of them can actually be healthy.

The meal carries other traditions, of course. For example, every guest must insist on helping whoever is cooking, no matter how clear it is that you will really just be in the way. Another of my favorites is that after the meal at least one of the older men must loosen the button on his trousers shortly before falling asleep in an easy chair.

But anyone who has seen a Thanksgiving meal in a movie knows all about this. So today, in continuing my short Thanksgiving course for Aussies, I need to write about two things they may not know.

1. The Macy's Parade. For 82 years, every Thanksgiving Day has started with this parade in New York sponsored by the department store, Macy's. This is the parade in the movie "Miracle on 34th Street", and it is generally felt that television was invented so they could show this parade to kids and keep them out of their mother's hair while she made the dinner.

The parade is famous for a couple of things. Notable are its huge gas-filled balloons of cartoon characters. "We see the parade as a huge pageant of American culture," said its executive producer in a recent interview. I guess that would justify their inclusion of Ronald McDonald. He certainly is part of American culture, and besides we wouldn't want the kids to get so caught up in turkey and mash that they forget about Happy Meals.

As a side note, you may like to know that this year the huge pageant of American culture is being extended with the inclusion of giant balloons of Buzz Lightyear, Horton the elephant and one of the Smurfs. And I always thought the Smurfs were from another country.

The parade is equally famous for its conclusion, when Santa Claus rides down the street. For you see, Macy's may call it the Thanksgiving Day parade, but in actuality it celebrates the beginning of the Christmas shopping season.

2. Football. The TV may belong to the kids in the morning when the parade is on, but come afternoon and it is game on as the NFL begins what is in effect 11 straight hours of pro football with two 45-minute breaks built in for those who wish to squeeze in their Thanksgiving dinner and perhaps later take a toilet break.

Having this much football on TV actually makes sense since it keeps the men in the living room and allows them to doze off unexpectedly without falling and hurting themselves. I suspect most of the women are happy to have the guys shuffle off into one room and stay out of the way. I am certain the guys are happy to stay out of the way and not have to do anything except to show up when the chow is served.

In any event, this is generally considered a secondary contributing factor to the invention of television.

All of this aside, Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because it is the one where family and friends make their best efforts to get together, catch up, tell stories, laugh and -yes - eat far too much. Many of my happiest memories are from this day. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

Tomorrow: Part 4 - What Can Go Wrong with Thanksgiving in Australia? Plenty, it seems. Eyewitness reports.

Would You Like Maize with That?

Part 2 - The First Thanksgiving

The Pilgrims didn't have anything to do with the first Thanksgiving in North America. Depending on which historian you believe, it either happened in Florida, Texas or Virginia. But there are only so many myths I am willing to dispel, so let's just skip that inconvenient fact and talk about the Semi-official First Thanksgiving - the one with the Pilgrims that all the decorations show.

The Pilgrims had spent a particularly bad first winter in Plymouth - insufficient food and bitterly cold weather (which they, curiously, blamed on global cooling). When they finally staggered out into the sunshine of Spring, they had to figure out how to fish, hunt and grow enough food to get through the next winter. And they didn't have much of a clue.

So they made a deal with the local Indians and created America's first bailout plan. The details have been lost, but the results are roughly: Teach us how to survive in this place, and in exchange we will let you live in poverty for centuries while we grow rich. However, around 375 years from now, we will let you build casinos and many of us white people will come to your land and gamble away much of our wealth, making your tribe incredibly rich just in time for the 21st century.

There was much dissent among the tribal elders, with many arguing that the Pilgrims had created their own mess and why should the tribe bail them out. But in the end the opportunity to own casinos apparently won out.

Critical to the Pilgrims' bailout plan was one of the most interesting men in American history - an Indian named Squanto. In the early 1600s Squanto had been captured and sold into slavery by Englishman George Weymouth. Apparently, Weymouth had to prove to his boss that he had actually explored North America and opted to bring back Indian slaves. Given that flair for dramatic souvenirs, you can imagine how disappointed his son was when his father returned home with a shirt that read, "Dad explored Massachusetts and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

Anyhow, Squanto finally received his freedom and started heading back to his tribe only to be captured by another Englishman who planned to sell him into slavery in Spain. If you think that sounds unlucky, you would be spot on. Just remember that after many more misadventures this guy ended up working with the Pilgrims.

Squanto is credited with teaching the Englishmen such techniques as fertilizing the land. The fact that they didn't know this leads me to the conclusion that these idiots really did not have a clue about how they were going to survive when they jumped on the Mayflower. Regardless, with Squanto's help the Pilgrims ended up growing all sorts of stuff, as well as fishing, fowling and hunting to the point that they were amazed at the amount of food they had at harvest time.

In the best New England tradition that meant Party Time, and they even invited about 90 of the local tribesmen to join them at the feast. The Indians are reported to have brought five or six deer to the event, making this the first instance in North America of home-delivered Indian Takeaway.

The party was so good that it became a tradition. But typical of the way the Pilgrims made decisions, not quite right away. The second Thanksgiving feast didn't happen until two years later. But after that, it became a must-do event on everyone's calendar.

The holiday, of course, marks the opportunity to give thanks for many things. Unfortunately for poor Squanto there wasn't much to be thankful for. Having helped the Pilgrims, his tribe did not trust him. Being an Indian, the Pilgrims didn't trust him. Before the second feast was held, he died of a fever. Some speculate he was poisoned.

Tomorrow, Part 3. Thanksgiving Today.

Pilgrims Progress

Perhaps no American tradition draws as many questions from the folks here in Oz as does the Thanksgiving holiday. As a nation Australia always ranks in the World Top Three for holiday appreciation, so there's a natural professional curiosity (and perhaps a tinge of envy) here about this American holiday that seems to be little more than an excuse for massive excess.

So, as a public service, I will try to explain the American Thanksgiving experience over the next few days as we lead up to the big celebration on Thursday.

"Part One - Pre-Thanksgiving"

Thanksgiving celebrates the survival of a group of people we now call Pilgrims, although no one called them that in their day 400 years ago. The English government called them criminals, and the Dutch called them illegal immigrants. They called themselves Puritans. Today we would call them the Religious Far Right.

Having fled England where they were committing criminal acts by not following the Church of England, these folks settled in Amsterdam. It is unclear if Amsterdam had cafes that allowed pot smoking in those days, but it probably did because eventually the Puritans decided their kids were losing their religion. Many of you will be familiar with REM's Thanksgiving song about this topic.

Anyhow, at some point the religious leaders decided that it would be better to pack up and move to North America. This showed great foresight, since they realized that if they moved there early enough their ancestors would be able to protest immigration hundreds of years later without appearing hypocritical. So all aboard the Mayflower and on to Massachusetts.

Most Americans think the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock. Well, it wasn't quite at Plymouth Rock, but even more interesting is that only about 25% of those who sailed on the Mayflower were part of that religious group. Early on this established the tradition that the religious right in America can re-write history to make themselves the heart of the story and claim that their values are the only real American values.

In one sense these people established patterns that continue to this day. As a far-right religious group, they overcame severe hardship - in this case, the fact that talk radio and automated telemarketing hadn't been invented - and still managed to get control of the government even though they were in the minority.

These early settlers were pretty well understocked and unprepared for survival in the cold of Cape Cod and Massachusetts. So they did what anyone would do. They dug up the graves of the local native Indians and ate the food that had been buried with the bodies. This is generally considered the start of fast food in North America. It is also believed to have led, centuries later, to Chex Mix and dry roasted peanuts.

So where's the feast with the happy Puritans and Indians drinking cider and eating turkey, you ask? Having been sold into slavery by the English just a few years earlier, why did the natives decide to help these folks out?  Were there any Indian casinos at the time? If there were, would the Puritans play? Stay tuned for Part Two tomorrow.

Asleep at My Post

OK. It's now 4:30 in the afternoon, and for the past few hours I have been stuck trying to figure out what to blog about. One of the great benefits of the trip we took was that there was something new every day and enough of it was interesting to justify a post. But today I am woefully short of interesting things, and this compulsion to post to the blog is starting to interfere with the natural starting time for cocktails.

Let me tell you how uninteresting today was. As soon as 8:30 hit, I was in the car driving to get my license renewed. It had expired Friday, and I needed to see to that right away. I can't even do any jokes about the bureaucrats - I was in and out within ten minutes with a 5-year license.

Then I drove to the old office. We were out of town when they moved to new premises, so I had to get some of LK's stuff from her old office and bring it home. So I did.

I have a fair amount of expertise in understanding what is boring, and I am pretty sure that only my mother would find any of that interesting. Actually, I called her later and told her about all of that, and I am pretty sure she was bored, too. But, being my mother, she couldn't let me know, of course.

I did have lunch with Jon, but the last time I blogged about him he wrote a note indicating that he was not very happy with the jokes I was telling about him. Since he bought lunch today, I am not going to blog about Jon.

After lunch, I went back to the old offices to pick up the remainder of LK's stuff. There my friend Andrew took pity on an old man who clearly was feeling new pains from the earlier moving, and he took the rest of the boxes downstairs for me. But I've already written about what a prince he is in another post.

So what to write about? I think the only thing I can do today is take a page from Fox Television. If you go here, you will see World's Most Amazing Signs from our recent trip. My favorite is the hotel in Barcelona, and I think you'll see why. Read the menu carefully at the Slastice section - it's from Croatia and their spelling leaves a bit to be desired. And the rental sign was in Elba.

Please pray for something interesting to happen to me tomorrow. Or volunteer to do a guest post. Or at the very least act like my mother and make believe you're interested. Thanks.

Your Holiday Feast Shopping Guide

Today's post is done as a public service for the Australians who celebrate American holidays. All seven of you need to do some serious planning right now. And I mean today.

It may seem like you have the best part of the week to get ready for next Thursday's Thanksgiving, but you don't.

USA Foods has sent me an e-mail. They're backed up a couple of days, and even express shipping takes two more days. Well, you do the maths - it's your last chance to ensure your Thanksgiving feast is replete with authentic Yankee food.

Already there are serious shortages. Pilgrim-shaped Pure Maple Candy is out of stock. You will not be delighting your family and friends with those sweet treats this year. In fact, you probably won't even be stuffing their stockings with the Santa Pure Maple Candy because that, too, is out of stock.

And for some of us, this year's Thanksgiving will be a bit less festive than previous years. Mr and Mrs T's Hot and Spicy Bloody Mary mix is out of stock, as well.

But not all is lost. There are still plenty of products available, although you may have to compromise on your brands. For example, you won't be soaking your Thanksgiving breakfast pancakes with Aunt Jemima Syrup, but for $9.99 you can get the 24-ounce Log Cabin Syrup.

(I will do this once. Americans, multiply our prices by 2/3 to get US equivalent. Australians, one ounce equals 28 grams.)

Other Thanksgiving essentials abound. You can be totally creative with your Jello mold. There's a choice of black cherry, cherry, grape, lime, peach, raspberry, watermelon or wild strawberry flavors.

Since I haven't seen one in the 20 years I have lived here, I should explain to my Aussie friends that the Jello mold is one of the healthier-looking side dishes served at the Thanksgiving feast, typically encasing fruit that has been sitting in a can of syrup inside a wiggling mound of sugary, articially flavored gelatin.

For the bakers among you, you can get a 40-ounce Bisquick for $9.99 and 3 pounds of Crisco (1500g) for $15. (If you need to ask what Crisco is, you don't want it. And if you do want it, I would like to know why you would want three pounds of it.)

Other last minute items I would recommend to anyone gearing up for the feast: a jar of Marshmallow Fluff, Keebler Graham Cracker pie crust, Jiffy cornbread mix, Chex Mix (I prefer traditional to hot-and-spicy), Bruce's whole yams in heavy syrup, and - be very grateful - Libby's Pumpkin Pie mix, which is still in stock.

I suppose all this makes Americans look like their diet isn't all that healthy. I would remind all of you non-Americans, that the country became great because it has an attitude of doing what it feels like and figuring out how to fix it later. There's no reason the holiday meal shouldn't reflect that.

For all of you in Oz needing these last minute buys, USA Foods is here. Oh, one last recommendation. I would also pick up the 8-ounce Pepto Bismol for $9.99.

Card Shark

I just watched a recording of this year's final table of the World Series of Poker's Main Event. The event finished while we were travelling, so I was a little late coming to learn that some 22-year-old kid from Denmark filled an inside straight and won $9 million. Peter Eastgate became the youngest player in history to win the main event.

Just like the new champ, I have been playing lots of online poker for several years now. Given that we all use silly names at these websites, I may have even played him when he was just learning how to beat people at my skill level - in other words when he was 17 or so. But whereas he has gone on to reach the top with glory, fame and wealth in his few years of playing, I have settled into a poker niche that is, well, a little lower than his.

There are web sites that actually track your online play, and today I thought I would see how close I am to the new champ. Turns out that my average tournament finish is 49th out of 100. Some may think this defines the word "mediocre." But from my days when I marketed research results, I know this lets me claim that I am better than the majority of players. Hey, every percentage point counts.

Turns out I am in the final 3 once out of every 20 tournaments. To give you perspective, if I were an Olympian, that would be like winning a medal in the 1920 Games in Antwerp and finally making the podium again this year in Beijing.

Look, if I were a racehorse, my record would be 154 starts for 3 wins, a second and 4 thirds. In fact, the only horses that would be racing with that kind of record would be old geldings with shonky legs. Hmmm.

Another website does pyschological profiles of online players. This site told me I was a "Bomb." This sounds curiously like what a couple of my ex-wives have said, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. A "bomb", by the way, rates ahead of "red fish" and "green fish," both of which are weak players, and a "caution sign" which seems self evident.

A "bomb" is defined as "aggressive/aggressive", which means that my approach lacks variety and finesse. They suggest that a little discipline would improve my results, which come to think of it, also sounds a bit like things my ex-wives said.

Anyhow, now that I have a better understanding of where I stand, I am going to use young multi-millionaire Peter Eastgate as my role model and inspiration. If he can win the World Series of Poker as the youngest champion ever, why can't I become the oldest champion ever?

I think it will only take a little luck and taking on board all the things my wives have urged me to change over the years. I'm ready. Shuffle up and deal.