Card Shark

I just watched a recording of this year's final table of the World Series of Poker's Main Event. The event finished while we were travelling, so I was a little late coming to learn that some 22-year-old kid from Denmark filled an inside straight and won $9 million. Peter Eastgate became the youngest player in history to win the main event.

Just like the new champ, I have been playing lots of online poker for several years now. Given that we all use silly names at these websites, I may have even played him when he was just learning how to beat people at my skill level - in other words when he was 17 or so. But whereas he has gone on to reach the top with glory, fame and wealth in his few years of playing, I have settled into a poker niche that is, well, a little lower than his.

There are web sites that actually track your online play, and today I thought I would see how close I am to the new champ. Turns out that my average tournament finish is 49th out of 100. Some may think this defines the word "mediocre." But from my days when I marketed research results, I know this lets me claim that I am better than the majority of players. Hey, every percentage point counts.

Turns out I am in the final 3 once out of every 20 tournaments. To give you perspective, if I were an Olympian, that would be like winning a medal in the 1920 Games in Antwerp and finally making the podium again this year in Beijing.

Look, if I were a racehorse, my record would be 154 starts for 3 wins, a second and 4 thirds. In fact, the only horses that would be racing with that kind of record would be old geldings with shonky legs. Hmmm.

Another website does pyschological profiles of online players. This site told me I was a "Bomb." This sounds curiously like what a couple of my ex-wives have said, so I guess I shouldn't have been surprised. A "bomb", by the way, rates ahead of "red fish" and "green fish," both of which are weak players, and a "caution sign" which seems self evident.

A "bomb" is defined as "aggressive/aggressive", which means that my approach lacks variety and finesse. They suggest that a little discipline would improve my results, which come to think of it, also sounds a bit like things my ex-wives said.

Anyhow, now that I have a better understanding of where I stand, I am going to use young multi-millionaire Peter Eastgate as my role model and inspiration. If he can win the World Series of Poker as the youngest champion ever, why can't I become the oldest champion ever?

I think it will only take a little luck and taking on board all the things my wives have urged me to change over the years. I'm ready. Shuffle up and deal.