Your Test Results Are In, Sir

Thank God this is the last progress report. I have not fared very well - and I am the one giving the grades. Think of me as the French judge in figure skating. I can only imagine how bad the results would have been with an impartial judge.

Anyhow, this final list of things to do was written with only one more day to work, so I set goals for things I would do in the first five days of my retirement. Sounds easy to meet those goals, doesn't it? If you think so, then I will play a great Ray Charles song for you - "You Don't Know Me".

On September 29, I came up with the following list of things to do:

1. Wednesday:
Start my walking regime by walking to the club next to my (former) company, where they are throwing a farewell party for me. Later start my stumbling regime by trying to walk home from the party.

GRADE: A Although I drove to the party, I did walk home and walked back the next day to get the car. As I recall, it was really a series of mini-walks - take a few steps, bend over at the waist, catch your breath, take a few more steps. But I did do it. So come on - I've had so few As in this process, that I want all of you to do your best impression of a soccer announcer - "GOOOOAAAALLLLL!!!!!!" Thank you, now we can return to my normal results.

2. Thursday:
Apply for my Senior Citizen's Discount Card. Grey power rules, and there are discounts and bargains galore. And I swear, this is no joke. When you go the website and check out what discounts are available, the first one that comes up is for 10% off on funerals and memorial services.

GRADE: F I will get around to this. I've even bookmarked it in my web browser.

3. Friday
Start being financially responsible by organizing our accounts, setting up the software to do Linda's company's books, arranging a meeting with a financial advisor and scheduling an appointment with the bank to discuss better interest rates. Alternatively, play online poker.

GRADE: C Thank God I put that alternative in at the end. Otherwise, it's a big F.

4. Saturday
To the hardware store! Time to get all the gear I need if I intend to take over most of our gardeners' work -- a new weed whacker, hedge trimmers, edger, pruning shears, one of those big noisy air things that blows all the crap off the pavers, aspirin, Tiger Balm, vodka.

GRADE: D I got the aspirin, Tiger Balm and vodka, but it wasn't at the hardware store. Still have to get those other things.

5. Sunday
A day of rest, so I will begin to catch up with friends I haven't caught up with lately. They will, of course, recognize it as my blatant attempt at filling up long retirement days with little to do. But if I cared what they thought, I probably would have been in touch with them before this. In fact, if that's their attitude, I don't want to catch up. I will play online poker instead.

GRADE: C Saved once again by the online poker option. Do you think I knew even then that my retirement would be marked by good intentions poorly met? So do I.


So there you have it. Eight progress reports, very poor results overall. Looks like I am going to have to repeat the first seven months of retirement all over again. Only, no more goals this time.