Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Weightier Matters

It's easy to ignore the elephant in the room, when you are the elephant. But it's time to take action about this weight thing. Every morning my Wii Fit tells me I am obese. When you look at the chart of my Body Mass Index, you have to take the Wii's word that it's there because its graph's scale doesn't go that high on the screen.

It's not like I am new to this overweight thing. I've been loosening my belt after dinner mot of my life.

I distinctly remember when I was a kid I wore husky dungarees. Don't know why denim jeans were called dungarees back then (actually I do, but I have promised not to tell you about things like the Hindu word dungri, meaning coarse cloth), and I really don't know why chubby chubs like me ended up being called husky.

But husky we were. Not husky like Julie London's voice, and definitely not husky like the sled dog. I don't think we resembled husks, but maybe that's because I a biased. But no, there was no confusion. Husky dungarees were designed to be worn by plump boys. And they started me on a lifelong pursuit of the relaxed fit.

But now I am getting very tired of it all. I have decided to reacquaint myself with my feet. And I have to accept that it's not going to happen without some drastic action.

For more than ten weeks I have astonished those who know me by exercising at least 45 minutes, and most days well over an hour. The result - not much. Obviously just moving my butt is not going to make it shrink. So today I am embarking on an experimental new diet that I have developed on my own.

I am pleased to announce The Heavy Drinker's Quick Weight Loss Plan. It's very simple and yet everything in me says that I am onto a winner.

The premise is uncomplicated. And with one small exception, it is dead easy.

First, exercise to the same level as normal. No need to do one tiny bit more than you are doing the day before the diet starts.

Second, eat exactly as you have been eating before. Love your potatoes? Have an extra one. Prefer them fried? Sizzle away. Rather have pizza? Pizza Hut delivers. Hate salad? Skip it.

Well, you get the idea. And there's no hidden trick here. No need to touch your tonsils after the meal. No need to drink 3 gallons of water before a meal. Nope, just do what you've been doing when it comes to stuffing your face.

Told you it was easy, didn't I? As I said, there is one small exception to this being dead easy. The trick to quick weight loss, I believe, will be to forgo wine and other booze for a while. Hundreds of calories will stay in the bottle instead of my belly. It would be like suddenly deciding not to eat a daily Quarter Pounder with Cheese and the fries. Seems like it should work.

Only that's not guaranteed. There is a theory that the calories of alcohol don't actually convert to fat so this may not work as easily as I think it will. It's also pretty well known that alcohol also helps keep your blood sugar down, so a diabetic like me may need to monitor glucose levels pretty carefully if I am giving it up.

But hey, I must be brave. In the interest of science, I am willing to subject myself to the enormous risks posed by not drinking a lot every night. I need to point out that I am not fanatical about this, and every good experiment needs a time line. So let's say two weeks. I will plot the changes and report.

And if I change my mind tomorrow night, I will let you know that, too.

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