Monday, July 13, 2009

Household Advice

This work project I agreed to is turning out to be like work. I've been so busy getting it done before we head off on our dream trip that I haven't had time to blog, haven't had time to work out. Well, OK, I could have made time by pushing back the start of cocktail hour, but frankly that was never going to happen. After all that hard work, I needed my reward.

Anyhow, starting Friday Caroline is going to be staying here house sitting for us while we holiday, and I promised her a list of things she needs to know about the house. She called it her Swapping Wives letter, and I had the good sense not to ask what that meant.

Given that time is running short, I figured I would just make that letter to her my blog so I at least get one in today. So here goes.

Dear Caroline,

Thank you so very, very much for house sitting while we wander around the world for two months.

I promised you information on how to cope with our house, and this is it.

But first, I need a little help. We probably have not remembered to notify everyone we get a bill from to email us, so you should open any mail we get and send us an email if we need to make a payment. I would ask only one thing. If any bills come from, when you send them to my email address, please change the bill's name to since LK will be sharing the same inbox. Thx

As you may remember, we recommended you sleep upstairs. That's partly because the floor by the front wall in the guest bedroom is unstable because the joist isn't supporting it. And I've been far too busy in the past seven months to arrange to have it fixed. But it's also because the bedroom upstairs is much nicer.

One thing to remember, though. It has a very high bed. Linda loves it - thinks of herself as the princess and the pea. I think of it as a potential broken ankle. If you have trouble getting into it, I have found that falling on it and rolling around like a walrus will help you get on eventually. You don't need to clap your arms, by the way.

As you probably recall, there are no lights working in the hanging light over the stairwell because we haven't been able to figure out how you can get to it, hanging out there in the middle 25 feet above nothing but hard wood. I think I am onto a tool that will help, but it will be much too late to help you, so hold onto the railing.

The Wii is upstairs, and you're welcome to use it. I have password protected my personal weight and BMI history in Wii Fit because I don't want you to find out that I am overweight. If you practice the bowling in Wii Sports, we might let you join us in a Sunday tournament. But if you beat me as Shirley did last week, you won't get invited back.

I've told the neighbors you're staying while we're away, and you should feel free to go to them if you need help with anything. Kevin and Fiona are on the south side (toward the water) and Andreas and Mrs Andreas Whose Name I Cannot Recall live on the other side. Kevin and Fiona have a small dog that would look cute in a silent film. But you will get to know him well. We call him Little Yappy, although Kevin and Fiona use another name. Ours is the right one.

As you may recall, the house is pretty well stocked with many supplies. There are about 75 rolls of toilet paper. If you start to run out before we are back in eight weeks, I would strongly recommend that you skip the Indian curries for a while. There are probably a dozen rolls of paper towels, nine or 10 boxes of cat food, several bags of cat litter and four or five bottles of Johnny Walker Black. Plenty of sparkling wine in the garage fridge and a rack of cheap red wine that I am happy to share with anyone willing to try it.

Oh dear, I've rabbitted on and have to go because we have friends coming over for dinner. I still haven't written about the practical things like how you need four remote control devices if you want to watch a DVD. Guess there will be part 2 tomorrow.


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