T - 2: Five Easy Pieces

Today is tidying up day. I am clearing out my office, boxing up the stuff on my shelves, wrapping my pictures in bubble wrap and generally trying to remove every file from my computer that might lead to my arrest.

People keep asking me how I feel now that retirement is so close. Some are convinced I must be sad or at least melancholy. Others are quite sure I must be overjoyed at the freedom I will now experience. Linda is positive I will just use the newfound time do things that will ultimately require bringing in contractors to fix.

In fact, I have been planning this so long that there aren't any wildly strong emotions. I am optimistic that this next quarter of my life will be interesting and fun. I am pessimistic that the world economic mess may make a nonsense out of our retirement planning, making it all very hard financially. Maybe big highs? Maybe big lows? (Think Leo DiCaprio in Titanic, lucky enough to win the ticket for the ship's inaugural cruise and then even luckier to hook up with the beautiful rich babe, only to have the idiots on the bridge dump everyone in the icy water. And if that isn't bad enough, you have to listen to Celine Dion as you drown.)

Oh well, que sera sera. (You know Celine is bad when you'd rather have that Doris Day song running through your mind all day.) Today is the final Monday of the pre-season. It is time for the final list of five things I will do when I retire. And for the first time, I can write about five things I am going to do this week!

1. Wednesday:

Start my walking regime by walking to the club next to my (former) company, where they are throwing a farewell party for me. Later start my stumbling regime by trying to walk home from the party.

2. Thursday:

Apply for my Senior Citizen's Discount Card. Grey power rules, and there are discounts and bargains galore. And I swear, this is no joke. When you go the website and check out what discounts are available, the first one that comes up is for 10% off on funerals and memorial services.

3. Friday

Start being financially responsible by organizing our accounts, setting up the software to do Linda's company's books, arranging a meeting with a financial advisor and scheduling an appointment with the bank to discuss better interest rates. Alternatively, play online poker.

4. Saturday

To the hardware store! Time to get all the gear I need if I intend to take over most of our gardeners' work -- a new weed whacker, hedge trimmers, edger, pruning shears, one of those big noisy air things that blows all the crap off the pavers, aspirin, Tiger Balm, vodka.

5. Sunday

A day of rest, so I will begin to catch up with friends I haven't caught up with lately. They will, of course, recognize it as my blatant attempt at filling up long retirement days with little to do. But if I cared what they thought, I probably would have been in touch with them before this. In fact, if that's their attitude, I don't want to catch up. I will play online poker instead.